The Never-ending Joys of Fatherhood

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men”

Frederick Douglass

Over the years, I have written more than a dozen Father’s Day columns, commemorating the role that has been the defining privilege of my life. This year, I’m spending the day with an adult, a college graduate who is set to make his mark on the world. While I always knew that I would miss the days of being a father to a child, I honestly had no idea how wonderful the next chapter would be.

I’ll never forget the moment Sullivan came into this world, ripped from his mother’s womb during an emergency C-section, the frighterning silence until they were able to clear his lungs; the hours we spent together in a small room as they sewed her up, his hand clutching my finger, his eyes locked on mine, a gentle smile aimed toward the voice he knew so well, as I was prone to read him stories and otherwise talk to his mother’s belly every single chance I got.

The years that followed were packed with fond memories. I loved to watch him waddle down the beach in that way that only a toddler can, chasing gulls and splashing in the surf with a big goofy smile stretched from ear to ear. I treasured the expressions he would reveal from such a young age when I read his favorite books to him or put on elaborate, admittedly over-the-top puppet shows on weekend mornings.

I recall him catching his first fish, learning to ride a bike, and lovingly coaching him at all levels of sport while constantly reminding him of the only rule: have fun! From the time he was two years old, we began taking summer road trips across the U.S., just father and son in a car, with no phones, no DVD players, or other devices—just the two of us, our music, and countless hours of priceless conversation. We danced to second lines in New Orleans, climbed to the top of the Empire State Building, stood awestruck at Niagara Falls, watched the famous ducks at the Peabody in Memphis on a trip to Graceland, camped under a bucket of stars at Joshua Tree, saw the other stars on Hollywood Boulevard, and so much more.

When he left for California just after turning seventeen to study at USC’s Annenberg School of Journalism, I was proud of his success and happy to see him spread his wings, but utterly heartsick to have my best buddy more than 2,500 miles away. He came home for a couple of summers and, thankfully, finished a year early before returning to Florida for grad school at FSU.

Finishing both high school and college early, however, meant that he had gone through his entire college career, including grad school, without being of legal age for a single spring break. So, this Memorial Day, we returned to our favorite city for a boys' vacation unlike any other. The entire time, I kept thinking what a fun and free-spirited young man his mother and I had raised. We ate all of our favorite New Orleans foods, saw all of our favorite jazz bands, and he finally got to visit my favorite late-night haunts, many of which he’d read about in my first novel.

It struck me during that trip just how much all of that engagement had paid off. He had grown up to be confident, charming, kind, and gregarious in a way that just warmed my heart. To say we had a great trip would be a massive understatement. It was the very best time I’ve ever had in my entire life. An uncle I’m close to and deeply admire, who has a son a few years older than my own, gave me a tip as we entered this phase of our relationship. “I used to think of myself as the boss,” he said. “But these days, I’m more like the consigliere,” referring to the mob term for the boss’s trusted advisor. It was good advice and I remind myself of it often.

I’ve watched my son make a number of mistakes, most of which I've had firsthand experience making myself. I’ve given him honest advice on the many occasions he has asked for it, and insisted on providing more than a few of the “for what it’s worth, take it or leave it,” variety when he hasn't, reminding myself that it’s his life to live and his lessons to learn. I see clearly that skinned knees build resilience, whether they are of the literal or figurative variety, and I am immensely proud of how he has navigated a world that is far more complex and challenging than the infinitely more forgiving one I was fortunate enough to come of age in.

It is no secret that young men have been in crisis in our society for years. As the economy changes and the playing field levels, they are falling behind in almost every metric. As we continue to wrestle with what it means to be a man in this day and age, they are forced to adapt to a rapidly changing landscape in a way that few, if any of us, have experience with. Above all, they need positive role models to help nurture their best instincts and abate their worst. They need someone to talk to them, and, even more importantly, someone to listen.

If you are a father to a young or adolescent son, I wish to convey that the choices you make in your relationship will likely prove to be the most impactful you make in the long term, not only for them but for you as well. I’ve enjoyed a successful career in a fulfilling field and have been more fortunate financially than most, but things like that do not even begin to compare to the value I would place on the relationship I enjoy with my son. No investment has ever come close to yielding such rich returns.

If you are a father to an adult son that you find yourself estranged from on this Father’s Day, do yourself and the world a favor, and pick up the phone. If you owe them an apology, make it. If you think you’re owed one, don’t expect it. Remember that beautiful, innocent child you helped to bring into this world, and lead with love and humility. Nothing is more important than restoring that seminal bond in a life in which tomorrow is promised to no one. Do not wait for them and do not burden them with the sorrow and regret of not having made amends before your passing. Don't take for granted that you will pass on first. Life makes us old before it makes us wise, and it is a fool who waits to see if the tortoise will catch the hare outside of the fable. 

Lastly, if you have found yourself in that role for a young man who needs it, whether you’re a grandfather, a stepfather, mom’s boyfriend, an uncle, or just a guy in the neighborhood they look up to, never stop playing that part. It truly takes a village, and there are too many young men in our country who lack a kind and empathetic adult male taking an interest in their health and well-being, ultimately helping them become well-adjusted adults who can contribute more to society than they cost. If you do not, but feel like you have those things to give, consider making a commitment to the Big Brothers of America.

This crisis requires an all-hands-on-deck response. However, the outcome is its own reward. I promise, you will never regret the time invested in mentoring a young man who needs it, and every young man deserves the effort. Be that man for a wayward boy, and you will never wonder whether your time on this planet has been for naught. 

Happy Father’s Day!

Mitch Maley
Editor in Chief
The Bradenton Times

Dennis "Mitch" Maley is an editor and columnist for The Bradenton Times and the host of our weekly podcast. With over two decades of experience as a journalist, he has covered Manatee County government since 2010. He is a graduate of Shippensburg University and later served as a Captain in the U.S. Army. Click here for his bio. Mitch is also the author of three novels and a short story collection available here.