The story Florida’s new driver licenses tell ain’t necessarily so

The new design for Florida driver licenses via DHSMV.Listen up: Florida is back.

WAY back.

Not that we were ever not the free-est, greatest, top-est state in the USA, it’s that we just got even more awesome.

Our governor is presenting us with a brand-new driver’s license design, and it is HAWT.

The old one was, like, so mid, as the kids say, so vanilla.

On the front, there’s a piece of the state seal kind of tangled up in big letters reading “FL,” and on the back, there’s another “FL” and a little Florida outline (in case you forget where you live) with American flag stripes kind of flopping around.

Totally “Ohio,” as the kids also say, or did last month, at least: It can be hard to keep up, even for us hip folk.

But, thanks to the artistes at the Florida Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicle the new driver’s license is FIRE.

On the front, it says, “Florida,” like you’d expect, but the “O” is an orange!”

So cute.

Then you got your state seal, some palm trees, and a sweet little gator wrapped around that gold star that shows you’re not an illegal or a terrorist or, as our vice-president likes to point out, some non-European weirdo trying to destroy American culture.

That’s not all, either.

It’s hard to see exactly, but there seems to be a partial map of the Gulf of America coastline and a manatee.

Don’t we love our manatees!

Something less foreign

Over to the left of the card, there’s a misty image of the Castillo de San Marcos in St. Augustine.

For those of you who don’t know history (and, let’s face it, that’s almost every single person in Florida! No shame! We come here to pretend the past never happened!), the castle was built by the Spanish in 1672 to keep the British and the French from horning in on their empire.

How about this for cool? San Marcos is made of coquina, which is a limestone formed by the tiny squished up bodies of shellfish from millions of years ago, who would, I’m sure, be gratified by their Florida legacy.

It’s located on the western shore of Matanzas Bay, which is named for that time in 1565 when the Spanish killed a bunch of Huguenots. The French had stolen the land from the Spanish, who had stolen it first from the Timucua people.

“Matanzas” means massacre.

Come to think of it, we should probably change those names to something less foreign.

Castle St. Mark. Mass Murder Bay.

And what about that last hurricane? “Isaías?” Seriously?

Please. As U.S. Rep. Jimmy Patronis says, storms in the Gulf of America should be given “American names people can pronounce.”

OK, 4.8 million Spanish-speaking Floridians and every meteorologist in the state could pronounce “Isaías,” but if a congressman can’t say it, and our governor, who calls it “weird” and “not normal,” can’t say it, either, we have a problem.

Our governor, who knows Jesus spoke English, chose to call the hurricane Isaiah, which is obviously a fine American Bible name.

But let us return to the Big Beautiful Driver’s License, specifically its fabulous back side.

There’s the space shuttle Discovery, which is the one that didn’t blow up.

Discovery may have been entirely built in the Woke Paradise of California, but it was launched from Florida’s own Kennedy Space Center, thank you very much.

The new design for Florida driver licenses via DHSMV.

Circle of Life

There’s a nice barcode containing all your personal info, including whether you’re a sex offender, and the date Florida became a state (1845).

More oranges, too, lots of oranges — a whole pile of oranges!

No doubt the boo birds, nay-sayers, and whiners will point out Florida’s pretty thin on actual oranges these days.

It’s not our fault. Three decades ago, the orange industry sold 225 million boxes a year but, what with the greening disease, population growth, and California eating our breakfast in the juice market, today it’s more like 12 million boxes, a drop of 95%.

OK, that’s not ideal, but look at it this way: The oranges gave their lives and their groves to make way for Central Florida’s great real estate market.

The new license honors the Ghosts of Citrus Past.

Same with the manatee.

Debbie Downers complain the Feds won’t put manatees on the Endangered Species List, and say stuff like, “Jeez, Florida only has around 8,000 manatees total and as of October this year we’ve lost 500, some dying of natural causes, many dying because dudes like to run over them with their jet skis and power boats.”

It’s the Circle of Life!

But the best part is Florida’s return to our original state motto, “Let Us Alone,” in big letters, emblazoned across those oranges.

“Let Us Alone” originally appeared on a flag presented to our first statehood governor, William Dunn Moseley, at his inauguration in June 1845.

Moseley was a job-creator, owner of a fully staffed plantation in Jefferson County where at least 80 Africans learned valuable skills such as cotton-picking.

The flag was a demand that the federal government butt out of Florida’s highly profitable economic system woke types call “slavery.”

Freedom!

The motto is an unapologetic assertion of states’ rights to treat certain people as badly as we want. It had a wide-ranging influence on the most important events in American history.

In his inaugural address as president of the Confederate States of America, Jefferson Davis, said, “All we ask is to be let alone.”

The libs in Washington didn’t let us alone, so we were forced to fire on Fort Sumter.

Four years ago, our governor revived another beloved symbol: the Gadsden Flag, the one with the coiled rattler warning, “Don’t Tread On Me.”

Great patriots still cherish the snake and his warning: They waved the flag when the America-hating Barack Obama became president, then they waved it again on Jan. 6, 2021, when True Americans rallied on a Day of Love at the Capitol, trying to stop the communists, the feminists, the gays, the immigrants, and the ungrateful minorities from stealing the election from our rightful liege lord, Donald J. Trump.

You can now get that handsome venom-shooter on a Florida license tag.

The governor exulted: “This is how we feel about our great country that is right now being systematically destroyed by the radical Left.”

The Jan. 6 Heritage American activists expressed their belief in white America by beating up Capitol cops and threatening civil rights.

Now you can drive your nativism.

Screw that patriotic pit viper on the back of your loaded F-150 and experience the extra special glow that comes from being on the wrong side of history.

And think of the pride you’ll feel when you whip that driver’s license out at the Publix Lotto counter or in the bar or when some minority cop pulls you over merely because you had six or seven Coors and might be drifting over into other people’s lanes.

That’s freedom!

Tell the Law to let you alone. You are a rocket-rocking, orange-squeezing, manatee sandwich-eating, gator-kissing real Floridian, and anybody who hates our freedoms can go live in Canada or Iceland or some other stupid place.